Praise vs. Encouragement

The school year is kicking off and that means a whole new set of tasks and challenges for your kiddo; They’re in new, harder classes, maybe even trying out a new sport or activity!  Challenging ourselves and trying new things is hard for everyone, and many times kids look to the adults around them to get validation that they’re doing it right. It’s a normal and very understandable drive, we all want to be accepted by others, especially those we love.  However, when we provide those words of affirmation, we may be teaching them to value the approval of others while not teaching them how to take pride in their own work.


We need to make a distinction between praise and encouragement.  Praise is sharing your own approval of the child, while encouragement is inspiring them, and supporting them to feel their own sense of efficacy.   Another way to look at it is praise is directed towards the child as a whole, and encouragement addresses the effort and intention put into the task.  “You’re such a good student for doing so well on your science project” would be praise, while “You worked so hard on your science project, you must be proud of yourself” would be encouragement.  It may seem like a subtle difference, but the shift can help children understand the importance of valuing their own work. Encouragement teaches kids to put in effort for their own sake instead of to win the approval of others.


“I’m so proud of you for winning the game!” focuses on how you as a parent feel about their accomplishment, while “Congratulations!  You really worked hard to earn this win!” focuses on the effort they put in to accomplish their goal. We don’t want kids to play and win games only to please the parents in the stands;  We want kids to work hard and learn the satisfaction of achieving something that’s important to them.


Now this doesn’t mean that we should never praise our children or tell them that we’re proud of them.  This is important too! But we don’t want praise to be all we do. Let them know you’re proud of them, and you love them, but also teach them to be proud of themselves, and love themselves.  The desired outcome is for kids to grow up into adults that know their own worth and feel confident in their ability to accomplish goals they set for themselves.


Next time your child presents you with a piece of artwork they have created, consider trying out an encouragement instead of praise.  For instance, “Wow, you made this yourself? You must be proud of yourself! Tell me your favorite thing about it.”


This is based on the work of Carol Dweck, Ph.D. and is expounded upon by Dr. Jane Nelsen in her book Positive Discipline.

Help your child develop pride in their own work

If your child is struggling with self-esteem or people-pleasing behavior, contact me for support.

Further Reading:

Katie Sammann