Daily Check-In: How to get more than “fine” from your teen
“How was your day?” “Fine.”
Every parent of a teenager has likely had this conversation. The intention is to learn about what’s going on in the teen’s life and connect. The teenager is uninterested in this question and doesn’t feel compelled to volunteer any additional information. While this is a normal response for an adolescent to have, it’s still important to connect with them.
A daily check-in is a great way to create time and space for conversations with your child, no matter what age. The main goals of the check-in are to strengthen your relationship with your child, learn about what’s going on in their life, and demonstrate that you are there for them. Making a genuine effort on a regular basis to hear what’s going on for them shows them that you’re there for them, and even if they don’t have anything to talk about now, they can count on you listening and making time for them when they do have something on their minds. But if the check-in doesn’t result in any sharing or improved feeling of connection, it’s not as effective. Here are some ways to encourage conversation and sharing:
Ask open-ended questions, questions that can’t be answered with a yes or no. “Did you have a good day?” isn’t going to solicit as much of an answer as “What was the best thing that happened today?” Keep in mind that some questions that are technically open (“How was school?”) have such an automatic process attached to them that your child might answer “alright” without even thinking about it. And to be honest, it’s a dull question. One of my favorite alternatives is “If your mood was a weather report, what would it be?”
Ask unusual questions. Sometimes a teenager who is mentally checked-out of the conversation can be brought back in with a question they weren’t expecting. “If you could only eat one fruit for the rest of your life, what would it be?” “What’s your favorite Snapchat filter?” “What is the hottest fashion trend right now?” You might get a laugh or a weird look from some of these types of questions, but it’s gotten their attention and will be more likely to solicit a genuine response than “How was your day?”
Gear your questions to your child as an individual. Asking “what did you learn about in your history class today” might not elicit much from some kids; they find it boring, they might feel tested. However, kids who are very interested in history might respond excitedly about what they’ve been reading about or what they’re hoping to learn about next. For a teen who likes gaming, try asking them about their progress in their current favorite game - and genuinely work to understand the premise/storyline if they share this with you.
Try high point/low point. This is also sometimes called sunshine/clouds or roses/thorns. This format can be very helpful to give a little structure to the check-in question. What was the high point of your day and what was the low point? You don’t have to worry about making sure it is the absolute best and worst things that happened in the day, but it’s a great way of getting at something good going on for them and something challenging for them.
A check-in is a great thing to embed in your daily routine. If possible, keep it at the same time every day. It could be during the drive home after school, during dinner, while cleaning up after dinner (sidenote: talking while doing an activity together can lead to more open and interesting conversations!) or whenever you’ve got five or more minutes to dedicate to the conversation. When you’ve done the check-in at the same time every day for a while, and it becomes part of the routine, you and your child will likely start to think about what to talk about during the check-in when that time rolls around each day, making it even easier.
Do better than “fine”
If you want to learn more about other ways to connect with your teenager, contact me.