How to Problem Solve With Your Child
I often speak to parents about different challenges or disagreements they are having with their children. When I get these questions, I usually ask what the child’s position on this issue is. A lot of the time, the answer I get is “she’s just being difficult” or “God knows what that boy is thinking.” While it can be very frustrating when children oppose your point of view, it is important to understand why they feel that way. First and foremost, it will give better insight into where the problem truly lies. But there are many other good reasons to include your child in problem solving.
More investment in finding a solution. If your child has gotten to be a part of the problem solving process, they are likely to be more invested in it working. This is a basic psychological principle which is true of all people, not just kiddos. Involve someone in the decision making process and they will want the solution they helped come up with to work more than if you had come to the same decision on your own and relayed it to them.
Respect. Being asked about their opinion and input about a problem that concerns them shows children respect. It helps them understand that their point of view is important.
Practice. Navigating a disagreement between two parties successfully is an important skill that children need to learn. Including them in the problem solving process gives them exposure to what this practice looks like and how to do it effectively. The more practice they have as kids, the more successful they’ll be at it as adults.
Good ideas. Children have amazingly creative minds and can come up with new ideas and solutions you wouldn’t have considered before. You might be surprised by what great ideas your kids come up with!
Authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish have developed a great framework for problem solving with your child in their book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (If you haven’t yet, I highly recommend you read it!). The basic steps to solving a problem with your child are as follows:
Describe your understanding of your child’s side of the issue, including their feelings. Check with them to see if this is correct. Validate their feelings and express an understanding of why they feel the way they do. It’s important to do this first to let the child know right off the bat that you are interested in their point of view.
Describe why it’s a problem for you. Share your feelings and explain where you’re coming from, making sure to avoid any shaming or blaming (which are always unproductive in problem solving). Use “I statements” to help ensure that the focus remains on what you feel and need.
Brainstorm solutions to the problem. Write them down to make sure you’ve recorded them all. Do not reject any ideas, even if you know they will not work. Don’t troubleshoot ideas at this point either, just record them. Writing out the ideas is important because it provides a sense of importance and formality that indicates that you really are taking all of their ideas seriously.
Determine appropriate solutions. Eliminate options that either one of you don’t like, making sure you are doing this in a respectful way. Explain why you don’t like a particular idea without ridiculing it. Then choose which one(s) you will implement. At this point you can troubleshoot and work out details about how this solution is to happen.
Now you’re left with a solution you both agree with, that you both feel invested in and confident about. That might be the end of the problem, or you might need to do another round of problem solving later on to fine-tune your solution. Either way, you’ve worked together in a respectful way to work towards a solution, something you can both feel proud about!
There are many benefits to involving children in problem solving.
If you’d like to learn more about how to navigate conflict within your family, feel free to contact me.