Body Autonomy: Why It's Okay to Say No to a Hug

The holidays are just around the corner, which for many people means spending time with family. Often, this time of year is when we see family members who live far away and we don’t get to spend much time with. While you might be ecstatic to see Aunt Shirley again and give her a big hug and kiss, the same may not be true for your kiddos. Sometimes kids don’t show the same enthusiasm you do, and they might hide behind your legs and act shyly. Then you might feel compelled to say something along the lines of “Don’t be shy, you know Aunt Shirley, she was here two years ago! Don’t be rude, go give her a hug!” The intention here is to encourage closeness, and perhaps not to offend Aunt Shirley. However, this unintentionally teaches kids that they do not have power over who touches their bodies.

This topic can be very difficult for some parents to think about, but it is important to your child’s safety to teach them about body autonomy. Body autonomy means that they are the boss of their own body, including who touches it and how they touch it. When we insist that kids let adults touch them, that it is rude to refuse a hug or a kiss, this teaches kids that an adult’s feelings and desires are more important than the child’s sense of body autonomy. If this belief is instilled, it can make them more likely to be a victim of abuse. These are the same types of things perpetrators of abuse often tell children, for instance that the child is hurting their feelings by not allowing them to touch them how they want.

So the next time your child resists a kiss on the cheek from Aunt Shirley, don’t insist they comply. You can ask a child if they’d like to say hello to Aunt Shirley some other way, like a high five, a handshake, a wave, or blowing a kiss. If Aunt Shirley is offended, you can say “we’re teaching the kids that they are in control of their own bodies,” and perhaps explain the concept to her in more detail later. Once relatives are on board, it can be helpful for them to ask the child if they would like to receive a hug or kiss, or how they would like to say goodbye - and then accept whatever their answer is.

I’ve listed a couple of books below that can be helpful in starting that discussion with children.