Toxic Positivity: 5 Things Not to Say & What to Say Instead

A few years ago I was shopping for clothes and came across a shirt that said “No Time for Bad Vibes” and thought it was such a strange sentiment that I took a picture of it.  (I also thought it would be particularly ridiculous for me, a therapist, to wear something like that.)  Since then I have seen such a huge increase in these kinds of phrases.  “Good Vibes Only” on shirts and mugs and Instagram posts.  Nobody loves feeling bad (hopeless, frustrated, lonely, disappointed, anxious, resentful, scared) but it is an unavoidable and valuable part of being a human being.  Having a Good Vibes Only attitude invalidates these negative emotions and attempts to block them out.  Then these feelings stay unfelt and unprocessed.  Ignoring them doesn’t mean they go away.

This is often referred to as “toxic positivity.”  It’s when there’s an expectation for unwavering positivity, and an expectation of everyone to not experience or express negative feelings.  I’m certainly not knocking the idea of positive thinking in general, but when it is used as a tool to shut down anything but “good vibes” it becomes toxic.  

Imagine dealing with any other hard thing in your life this way.  If something on the stove catches on fire, good vibes aren’t going to help.  If you leave the kitchen to go to a room that isn’t on fire, your house will still burn down.  Instead, you recognize the problem - there is a fire - recognize why it is a problem - fire is dangerous - and then you move forward and fix the problem - get a fire extinguisher or call 911.  Yes, it was unpleasant but now you and your house are not on fire.

Deal with the fire.

It’s also damaging to those around you when you only value good feelings.  If you’re wrapped up in this idea of toxic positivity and someone you love is going through a difficult time, they likely won’t look to you for a shoulder to cry on.  Your friend who’s been battling depression will not feel better when she sees your A Positive Attitude Fixes Everything Instagram post, she may even feel worse.  When you’re feeling upset and someone tells you that your feelings are not welcome, you’re likely to feel rejected and alone in your struggle.

It’s important to note that this kind of attitude is a very privileged view.  Good vibes aren’t going to help deal with real systemic injustices.  Good vibes can’t fix racist institutions and white supremacy.  You need to talk about the awful things that have been going on to be able to make change.  It is a privilege to be able to choose to opt out of difficult conversations like these, especially on the grounds that you want to “keep things positive.”  

I put together a chart to simplify why toxic positivity is damaging and how you can replace some phrases that may have made their way into your vocabulary. These are not uncommon things to hear people say to others in crisis, and I do believe most people saying them truly do want to help. But if you’re saying these phrases, chances are you’re not helping in the way you think you are. Consider swapping them out for some more supportive phrases like the ones on the right!

This is not meant to reject all positivity and encouragement of taking a positive attitude. Positivity in general can be very helpful and motivating at the right time. But first, allow some time to feel that bad feeling; it’s not fun but it is necessary. It’s better for your mental health and the mental health of those around you.