How to Help When Your Child is Upset
When we care about someone and we see they’re upset, often our immediate reaction is that we want to make it better or take it away. It’s a natural response, we don’t want them to have this unpleasant emotion. So we often jump to solutions. This is especially true for parents responding to their child’s emotional pain. Parents have already spent years meeting their children’s other needs and solving their problems. “I’m hungry” “Here’s a snack” or “I skinned my knee” “Let’s get that bandaged up.” Parents have developed a great ability to anticipate and solve their children’s problems immediately.
However, when children are going through a difficult situation and experiencing emotional pain, there is no quick fix. But the parent wants to help their child as promptly and effectively as grabbing a pack of crackers or putting on a band-aid. So sometimes parents might find themselves trying to convince their child that it’s not that big of a deal, or encouraging them to see the positive. While these shifts in perspectives can be helpful later on, it shouldn’t be the first step. The first step is connection.
This video is an animation created to illustrate a clip of a lecture given by Brené Brown. Brown is an author, research professor, and social worker who focuses on courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. In this clip, she describes what an empathetic response looks like (and doesn’t look like!).
The final line of the video really captures the importance of empathy. “Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”
Connection is the key and the first place to go when your child is upset. Empathy drives connection, so the best way to respond to a child in emotional pain is with empathy. Brown lists the 4 qualities of an empathetic response as:
Perspective Taking
Really listen to what your child is saying and work towards understanding why they feel the way they do. If you’re having a hard time seeing where they’re coming from, try asking some questions about what it means to them or what part is the worst.
Staying out of Judgement
Don’t jump in with any judgement. This could be telling them what they should have done, letting them know that they’re overreacting, or anything where you are making a determination about their situation. You might feel inclined to use this moment to help them learn how to handle a situation differently in the future, but hold off on that for now. Connect first.
Recognizing Emotion
Identify what they are feeling. Upset is a vague term that I’ve been using to encompass a range of emotions a child might be feeling. You’ll need to figure out if they’re feeling frustrated, disappointed, hopeless, hurt, rejected, scared, angry, embarrassed, or something else.
Communication
This process shouldn’t all be in your head. Let them know that you understand where they’re coming from and that you know how they feel. Let them correct you if you didn’t get it quite right. Once they see that you understand what they’re going through, what they’re feeling, they’ll feel less alone.
Give this approach a shot next time your child (or anyone in your life) comes to you in emotional pain. As with anything new, it might feel a bit strange at first not to suggest a solution, advice, or a positive way to look at things. But responding with empathy will foster connection, which can do more for them in that moment than any advice.
“Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.” - Brené Brown
If you want to learn more about helping your child through a difficult time, contact me for a free consultation.
For further reading:
Brené Brown’s lecture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXSjc-pbXk4
https://www.positiveparentingconnection.net/using-empathy-to-connect-with-your-kids/
https://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/natural-consequences